Here’s some positive news for Detroit, a native Detroiter returns to become Detroit’s Archbishop. 
 
Bishop Allen Vigneron, 60, currently head of the Diocese of Oakland, Calif is now Detroit’s Archbishop, appointed by Pope Benedict XVI. Bishop Allen Vigneron will replace Cardinal Adam Maida on January 28th.
 
Vigneron is the third Detroit native priest to lead a major American diocese. Others include Alex Brunett of Seattle, and John Nienstedt of Minneapolis-St. Paul.

Welcome Archbishop Vigneron!

Well, it’s that time of the year again. The usual number of prognosticators, soothsayers and mind readers are emerging from their cocoons to tantalize us with those irritating lists, which attempt to capture what was best in the past year and what we can expect in 2009. While reading these lists I sometimes feel that I am living in a parallel universe! My question is: does anyone really put any credence in these lists which the media treats as if they were inscribed on tablets delivered to us by Moses? Comedian George Carlin said it best: “Nobody seems to notice nobody seems to care”! Well said George and count me in that category!

Inevitably we have a list of the “Best Movies of the Year” and of course the people who categorize this list always throw in a couple of movies that we the unwashed have never seen nor even heard of. This in some fashion is to separate us from these all-knowing movie gurus, at least in their mind. Case in point are two cinematic offerings that were on the list that I suspect few noticed - - “Boy A” and of course what must be the twin of this epic – “Planet B Boy”. The former is the story of a young lad just released from prison for a murder he committed as a young child – the latter about the “vibrant global resurgence of break-dancing with compelling characters and vibrant dance”. Makes you want to jump in your car and purchase a couple of movie ducats right now doesn’t it? Give me a break!

Then we have to be subjected to Barbara Walter’s “Most Fascinating People of the Year”. Obviously we are running out of fascinating people when Will Smith and Tom Cruise have to be resuscitated again for another appearance. Of course Barbara had to outdo herself by introducing us to Thomas Beatie. You know Beatie of course as the woman er, man, er woman who is pregnant with her, er his, second child. Beatie describes his situation as the “traditional family”. Beatie and his so-called spouse must have missed the Sesame Street episode when the letter of the day was “H” and the word was “hogwash”!

Let’s not ignore the “ins and outs” list, which informs us what we should wear, buy, drink, or watch in 2009. Do I care that cashmere is “in” and wool is “out”? Must I succumb to the suggestion that wine is the drink of choice and Bud Lite is passé? Just don’t eliminate my Gatorade and I will be content! And here’s one for you senior citizens. Guess what? Retirement is “out” and working behind the counter at McDonalds is “in”. On the other hand what with the state of our 401.k’s maybe that is not too far from the truth!

And in so far as predictions for 2009 there are numerous dealing with global warming, Victoria Beckham becoming pregnant and Oprah Winfield running another marathon but here is my favorite: seems that the “real” Saddam Hussein will emerge from his spider hole and emerge again as the leader of Iraq. If that’s the case maybe Barbara Walters will consider him the most fascinating person of 2009! Excuse me while I nauseate!

So all in all 2009 looks like another fascinating year at least in the minds of the media. As for me, I’m ready to crawl into Hussein’s spider hole once he emerges. Call me again when the year is over!

Bill Kalmar

Former Director of the Michigan Quality Council

Lake Orion MI 48360

248-393-2633

Detroit Lions make history! But with a 0-16 record, this history is one that they’d just as soon not be making!  Lions Kicker Jason Hanson was quoted as saying to the reporters “It’s so mind-numbingly awful, it’s a feeling of complete embarrassment & sadness”.

“Mind-numblingly awful”? Are you kidding me!  How did these guys ever become pro-NFL players?
 
Dear Detroit Lions, as a fan, I really felt for you and in spite of your poor performance, I kept rooting for you year after year after year.

But I like other Detroiters are sick at your performance.  My message to you: Kick ass or get lost! 
 
Mr. Ford Senior; it’s time to bring in new players who are HUNGRY for a win! And get rid of Rod Marinelli! Detroit doesn’t have time for leaders who can’t lead!

Sports reporter Rob Parker’s inappropriate question to Lion’s coach Rob Marinelli about the coach’s daughter being wed to the defensive coordinator was not only “out of bounds”  but someone should have thrown a flag for “piling on”, “unsportsman-like conduct”, and “buffoonery”.  Parker has become the Helen Thomas of reporting.  Thomas as a member of the White House Press Corp asks few questions of substance, enjoys grandstanding, and offers shallow columns about life in the political arena.
 
Parker is following close in her footsteps and as such has become a cartoon.  His so-called apology was little more than another of his witless diatribes that he foists off as serious reporting.  Fox TV sports panelist Terry Bradshaw labeled Parker an “idiot” for his remarks but I think placing him in this category tends to besmirch the good name of renowned idiots throughout the world!
 
As The Detroit News goes through the upcoming bloodletting during staff reductions, Parker’s name should rise to the top.  In this fashion management will demonstrate that Parker’s so-called humorous questions to break the seriousness of the moment are nothing more than an attempt to catapult this innocuous reporter to a position of grandeur.  In my opinion he should be returned to the relative obscurity he so richly deserves!

Over the last couple of weeks word was drifting out that Detroit’s two daily newspapers were considering drastic cutbacks in circulation and news coverage.  Finally when the publishers made their announcement cutting home delivery to three days a week and a workforce reduction of about 9% or close to 200 positions, it was as if a loud thud had descended on the city.  This is a city of course accustomed to thuds.  While other communities seem to operate on a strategy of “hope springs eternal”, we in Detroit subscribe to the theory that “nope springs eternal”.  Let me explain.
 
Will the Grand Prix be extended for another year in 2009?  Nope!  Will the Detroit Lions have a winning record?  Nope!  Does the city have a mayor who is not in jail?  Nope!  Are the Big Three automotives in good shape financially?  Nope!  Is unemployment in the city at manageable  levels?  Nope!  Are the city’s schools institutions of learning? Nope!   And will the two city newspapers have daily home delivery?  Nope!  On a positive note, have a swarm of locusts invaded the city as yet?  Nope!
 
Interestingly enough both papers heralded this move as being the first in the nation as if somehow this was to be construed as a badge of honor.  What is honorable about a town that only has home delivery on Thursday, Friday, and Sunday is a mystery to me and I suspect to most readers. And on other days readers will be able to buy an abbreviated edition on newsstands which I guess will be their own personal version of “home delivery”!   An alternative is to pay $12 a month for a digital edition. 
 
Several thoughts come to mind:  for those who don’t have a computer or who are adverse to scrolling through a website,  will it mean Sunday football and other sport’s scores will not be available unless one treks to the neighborhood newsstand?  And if one chooses to read the digital version of the paper how does substituting a laptop in the room with the circular commode take the place of the traditional paper version with a cup of coffee?  Furthermore,  if a friend or associate passes away on a Sunday and home delivery doesn’t come until Thursday will funeral directors delay the notice and burial until we receive notification later in the week?
 
Since we will be recycling fewer papers from home delivery maybe my disposal company will charge me less for recycling costs!  Just a thought.
 
Since this proposal will not take place till some time in March 2009, perhaps there is still an opportunity for publishers to re-think this decision.  Do we really need two papers?  Other than the editorial slant, news is news.  Let’s have one paper and call it The Free News.
  
My comments are not meant to denigrate the two city papers, which coincidentally I subscribe to,  but to issue a plea for revisiting this decision.  This town does not need another “thud”!
 
Well, time to go.  Approaching from the north seems to be a swarm of locusts!

As we move into the frenzy of the Holiday shopping season most of us will have encounters with shopping center store personnel and restaurant staff. Stores and restaurants will be filled with people looking for that perfect gift, and then quickly digesting a meal in order to be prepared for another crazed journey searching for another perfect gift. Let’s hope that we can do so with a minimum amount of stress and confusion. In that regard here are my tips to make that a reality

10. Store personnel should greet us with a smile and a friendly greeting even if they are tired and exasperated. As has been said – The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you’ve got it made. Frankly, if store personnel want to separate me from my money I want them to treat me as if I were the store owner.

9. Advertised specials should be in stock and be in abundance. Recently I have discovered that store computer data fields are uploaded with products on sale before the actual items arrive. This means calling the store and getting assurance that the item is in stock only to be disappointed upon arriving when no one can locate it. In those instances I want an additional discount given when the item does come in to compensate me for my inconvenience.

8. Please don’t hand me a receipt that contains a survey about customer service unless you provide me with $5 off on my next purchase. In my opinion most surveys that offer large cash prizes are bogus because I have yet to talk to store personnel who are aware of a winner’s list. And evidently, people that have returned to a store stating that they have won are non-existent.

7. Message to toy stores – please remove those irritating fake guinea pigs that chase a plastic ball inside a cage. I don’t want one and won’t enter your store because you have one on display in the window.

6. If there is a tip jar in your store or restaurant please don’t think that it is my responsibility to raise your minimum wage or your standard of living by filling it with crisp Lincolns. The price you charged me for my meal or for an item I purchased should cover your salary.

5. My calendar lists December 25 as “Christmas Day” so if I extend such a greeting to you, I expect you to reciprocate! Yes, there are companies that feel such a greeting is verboten but if that is the case, just whisper it in my ear. And if shoppers identify themselves as employees from the ACLU, they should have “Merry Christmas” inscribed on their receipt.

4. Do not refer to me and those in my party as “guys” as “how are you guys doing?” When did “sir” and “madam” go out of popularity?

3. Restaurant staff – don’t come by our table and ask: “Are you still working on that?” That question is only valid if I am constructing a LEGO rocket ship at my table. And if you add the words “Are you guys still working on that” I might just spill your tip jar on the floor.

2. The words from the store clerk “Were you able to find everything” makes me think that store personnel are hiding items much like a scavenger hunt. My response to that question is: “As a matter I did. The ten dollar bill behind a box of prunes was most unexpected – so thanks”.

1. Christmas background music should be playing softly in the background but please refrain from our having to listen to “Grandmother Got Run Over By A Reindeer” or “I Want A Hippopotamus For Christmas”. Anything by the “Carpenters” will do just fine thank you.

So those are my Holiday wishes. Hope all you guys, er, sorry, I mean ladies and gentlemen have a joyous Holiday Season –that store and restaurant personnel smile and actually act as if they are glad to see you – and that you too find a ten dollar bill behind a box of prunes!

As Detroit’s Big Three Automotive companies look for ways to trim expenses, this from GM – the company now stops the elevators in its Renaissance Center headquarters at 7:00PM forcing employees who have worked late to use the stairs.  I suspect the walk will transform the employees into the “lean and mean” work staff the executives are striving for!  They may not be lean but after a couple flights of stairs they surely will be mean!

Have you noticed that highway signs heralding the various groups who are responsible for cleaning the roadway now have openings for new groups to take over the chore?  Over the last couple of weeks I have seen the words “available” inscribed on many of the signs.  How about assigning this task to some of our prisoners!  Wouldn’t it be entertaining to see Kwame Kilpatrick picking up trash or the occasional animal carcass!
  

Now that more than a half dozen  automotive manufacturers have backed out of the Detroit International Automobile Show at Cobo Hall do we really need to raise money for renovations and expansion?   What with the slowing economy and automotive sales in the dumper, the Joe Louis Arena might be the perfect smaller venue for the show!  Although the Zamboni ice resurfacing machine might just steal the thunder from the new cars!
  

NASA just spent $154 million for a system to transform urine and other wastewater into drinking water for the space station astronauts.   Frankly, I would rather quench my thirst from the contaminated Ganges River in India before taking a chance on the system.  Perhaps no one told NASA about cases of water from COSTCO.  A case of twenty-four 8oz bottles for $12 sure seems like a deal!

The news came as a shock to most in this town when Beaumont Hospital announced the layoff of hundreds of employees attributing it in part to fewer elective surgeries.  Guess there will be fewer people showing up for Holiday parties with their new botox injections.  And I suspect that the commercial that has been running for years – “Do you have a Beaumont doctor?” will have to be altered to “If you need a Beaumont doctor look no further than the unemployment line”!
  

President Elect Borack Obama has announced that Senator Hillary Clinton will be his Secretary of State.  Some wondered why he would surround himself with his vocal opponent.  When President Lyndon Johnson was asked a similar question after choosing not to replace his critic J. Edgar Hoover in the position of FBI Director he responded:  “I’d rather have him inside my tent pissing out than outside my tent pissing in”.  Perhaps Obama has a similar thought about Hillary or the cost of the NASA urine to water system was too prohibitive!

Watching the automotive hearings on TV from Washington DC was almost like being at a Broadway production of “Something Funny Happened On The Way To The Forum”.  Two verses from the opening song parallel what is taking place in this rancorous room:
 
                Something appealing
                Something appalling
                Something for everyone
                A comedy tonight
 
                Old situations
                New complications
                Nothing portentous or polite
                Tragedy tomorrow
                Comedy tonight
 
And the ringleaders of this tragedy?  Our elected representatives who evidently have left logic and common sense at the door and have decided that to jettison two million people into the unemployment lines is more palpable than providing the automotive industry with a loan.
 
These mental giants have concluded that the Big Three have foisted this financial problem on themselves because of their so-called “dinosaur” thought process.  Just looking at the make-up of the panel clearly reveals the identity of the real dinosaurs. 
 
We in Michigan are being buffeted by a group of old, cranky, wrinkled, follicle challenged Methuselahs who consider it a good day when they can find the hearing room! 
 
Talk about dinosaurs!  If Steven Spielberg is looking to film a sequel to Jurassic Park he should look no further than these hearings.  There he will find the rare but still surviving moron-osaurus.
 
Our hope is that we can quickly close the curtain on this frenetic travesty and approve financing for the automotives or as the song says it will be “comedy tonight – tragedy tomorrow”!

Fans of the popular “Seinfeld Show” will recall an episode entitled “The Bizarro Jerry”.  It is a take-off on Bizarro Superman, Superman’s exact opposite who lives in the backwards bizarro world where up is down, down is up.  He says “Hello” when he leaves and “Good-bye” when he arrives.
 
Events of the last couple of weeks are getting us closer to that bizarre world.  First there was Shirley Nagel of Grosse Pointe Farms, Michigan who refused to hand out candy to children whose parents were voting for Barack Obama.  Her antics made national news.
 
And just when her crazed ideology seemed to disappear into the obscurity it so richly deserved,  another wacko has emerged in the person of Roman Catholic priest Jay Scott Newman of St. Mary’s Church in Greenville, South Carolina.  Fr. Newman who must have been separated at birth from Nagel is urging his parishioners who voted for Barack Obama not to present themselves for Communion unless they first purge their souls of “intrinsic evil” by going to confession.  He argues that any candidate who supports abortion rights should automatically lose the votes of Catholics.
 
In a pastoral letter to his flock Fr. Newman states that Catholics who voted for Obama “should not receive Holy Communion until and unless they are reconciled to God in the Sacrament of Penance, lest they eat and drink their own condemnation”.
Perhaps our response to Fr. Newman’s  ill-advised, ill-conceived stance should be “no donations for priests using the pulpit to prostilize politics”.

Now that the election is over and we continue to be in the throes of an economic tsunami permit me to purge my mind of some scattered thoughts:
 
+  Currently gas is below $2 a gallon but look for the Saudis to reduce production so that us Americans can continue to feather their pockets.  How many Rolls Royce can these oil barons squeeze into their garage!
 
+  Insurance company AIG and their executives and select customers continue to party while the rest of the nation struggles to stay afloat without life jackets.  At their latest soirée, the exclusive hotel where they were partying (er, I mean meeting)  was told not to advertise their presence on any signage.  My hope is that the company does go bankrupt and the executives and their families spend their days searching for the best dumpsters near their homes for sustenance!
 
+  Why did the media spend so much time interviewing the so-called “undecided” voters?  These are classic procrastinators whose whole life must be a series of choices never fulfilled.  Can you imagine trying to watch TV with these people?  By the time they make a decision on which program to watch the episode has concluded.  Instead of referring to them as “undecided” let’s just call them “people who lack the wisdom and common sense to make a decision”.
 
+ The Detroit City Council has asked the government for a ten billion dollar stimulus package for infrastructure costs.  What makes this so laughable is that this request comes from a group of people who are being investigated by the FBI for misuse of funds!
 
+  How about those Detroit Lions.  Does owner William Clay Ford know that he has sole possession of the only Edsel Football Team in the nation?  Fans continue to stay home and those that do attend are admonished by security for wearing paper bags on their heads.  And then there’s the old joke:  How do you keep the Detroit Lions out of your yard?  Answer:  Put up a couple of goal posts.
 
+  Company earnings reports indicate that department stores such as Macy’s and Target and Nordstrom have had disappointing months.  K-Mart and Sears are now offering “lay-aways” which is something I recall from my childhood.  The only merchant doing well is Walmart.  And isn’t Walmart the company that always gets criticized for being non-union?  Well, each time an announcement goes out for a new store would-be candidates line up by the thousands.  And Walmart isn’t asking for a bailout and customers flock to their stores for deals.   So let’s give a doff of our hats to a company that remains strong, keeps prices low and continues to have a loyal workforce.
 
+  And just maybe the Big Three can take a lesson from Walmart when it comes to efficiency.  The automotive industry is saddled with one of the dumbest procedures known to man, that is the Job Bank where workers collect 90% of their pay for doing nothing.  And we wonder why the automotives are in trouble!
 
+  Just saw the new James Bond movie “Quantum of Solace”.  If you see it, call me afterwards and tell me what it was about.  Was there a plot?  Hard to tell.  Lots of action though.  Disappointedly our hero never uttered those famous words: “Bond – James Bond”.  And no gadgets from Q (Quartermaster).  My favorite actor playing Bond – Sean Connery, of course!
 
+  I suspect that some of my rants will not endear me to some of our readers.  But on the other hand I also suspect that many of you share my opinions.  Now I have to figure out what to do with my 101.K, which used to be my 401.K!